The Pursuit for Sexual Nirvana
&
THE SPIRIT CONNECTION
by W.E. Littlejohn
(c)2008
♥
I have posted this Discussion from my booklet: KEEPERS OF HEAVEN ~ STRAIGHT TALK TO GIRLS ABOUT SEX. This common sense, self-help guide empowers parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and responsible adults to help girls learn to embrace the personal power in honoring their sacred space; be critical thinkers about their sexual choices and health, and understand how their sexual energy connects with their Heart and Spirit. ♥
KEEPERS OF HEAVEN ~ STRAIGHT TALK TO GIRLS ABOUT SEX “…really is rich with information…[and] …the topic is relevant and needed,” said Melissa Sellevaag, MA LICSW Education, Training and Outreach Coordinator, Sexually Transmitted Disease Control Program Department of Health, at the District of Columbia Government.
* * * * * *
When Marvin Gaye sang the lyrics to Let’s Get It On, and the Queen of Soul, Arethea Franklin, sang Feelin’ the Spirit in the Dark, the messages are clear – having sex. Songs about the thrill of choosing NOT to be sexually active, and how Abstinence is empowering, even healthy, don’t exist. With the insistence of mass media, most of the world’s population equate abstinence as a life void of thrills, as “missin’ out.” Common sense, however, begs the question: What thrill is there in five minutes of “gettin’ it on” compared to a possible lifetime of worrying about whether one has a STD, and/or is pregnant, or whether the boy or man really cares about you? Mass media does little to alert and inform children and teens to these dilemmas. As a result, telling teens and young adults not to get it on can be a daunting challenge.
Messages about the benefits of abstinence and the freedom that comes with sexual discipline competes with teenagers’ developing brains, raging sex hormones, and mass media that teach little girls to think that exploitation of their bodies is the way to define their power, and teach little boys to be sexual pariahs. Children and teens are exposed to sexual language in specialty shops that advertise such items as “Sex in a Shower” soap, by cooks that create recipes like “Sex in a Pan;” pornography on the Internet, raw sexual language in hardcore and soft porn rap and music videos; “adult” comic books and “urban” novels. In some trendy, youth-oriented clothing stores, such as Urban Outfitters, in Washington, DC, teen and young adult shoppers are faced with displays of books with provocative titles, such as Penis Pokey, and Go F… Yourself.
The challenge to encourage teens to "not get it on" is even greater when teens see too many adults - some of whom are clergy and politicians - many of whom are parents and grandparents - “gettin’ it on” with multiple partners in their search for sexual bliss. An imitation of such a life is seen on the CBS sitcom, Two and A Half Men, where casual, unenlightened, and undisciplined sex is the message the impressionable 10-year-old “Jake” gets from his uncle “Charlie”
Men’s and women’s unquenchable thirst and search for the ultimate sexual ecstasy is one of the reasons thousands of magazine articles and videos promise to show people “how to have great sex,” “how to make sex last longer,” “how to have hotter sex,” “350 sex tips,” “nine ways to have mind-blowing sex tonight,” and, on one of Oprah’s 2008 shows “237 reasons to have sex.” The pursuit for sexual nirvana, or “mind-blowing sex,” may also be among the reasons people “experiment” with unorthodox, sometimes seen as perverted, sexual acts. The obsessive chase is what drives the booming strip club industry, pornography, etc., and is among the reasons for the multi-billion dollar international sex slave industry, where annually, as many as 500,000 women and girls (as young as three) are kidnapped from or sold by their parents and forced into prostitution.[1] When confronted with this illicit and destructive phenomena, predators and perpetrators glibly insist, “It’s just sex.”
When we take the covers off the act of “gettin’ it on,” we see that sex, for most adults and teens, is an experience pretty much like going to a fast food joint – in and out in less than five minutes (pun intended). You stand in line in anticipation of a “have it your way” meal, devour the servings, then sit back and belch in brief satisfaction, only to crave more later. Contrary to Aretha’s soulful shout, “feeling the spirit in the dark,” people who practice casual, unenlightened, and undisciplined sex rarely feel the true spirit in the dark that they anticipate. Their sexual encounters amount to mere scraps of pleasure. Most people will not acknowledge it, but for millions, sex can be an empty experience that leaves a nagging feeling that something is missing.
“Something is missing,” writes Chris Griscom, author of SEXUALITY & SPIRITUALITY. “There is something stirring [on a deeper level] that is seeking an alignment of heart and soul.” That something that is stirring is rarely consciously perceived because it is constantly masked by superficial sexual encounters. That “something” which is missing is why sex is more than “just sex.” “Each being,” says Griscom, “should make love with a deep hope of touching something so profound that the ego is relinquished and the Higher Self encompasses the whole of conscious experience.” Hence, truly “feeling the spirit in the dark.” Relinquishing his ego to his higher consciousness is what was missing in the man who was willing to destroy his marriage solely because his wife refused to have oral and anal sex.
“Encompassing the whole of conscious experience” is what Sobonfu Somé, author of THE SPIRIT OF INTIMACY: Ancient African Teachings in The ways of Relationships, calls “acknowledging and involving the spiritual dimension” that exists “in everything.” If we accept that the spiritual dimension exists in everything, it follows that the spiritual dimension exists in sex. Therefore, sex is not “just sex.”
In his essay, The Confessions of an Ex-Bachelor, William July said, “I was cheating myself,” when he engaged in casual, undisciplined, and unenlightened sex, and that “…superficial, or ‘candy,’ relationships… were sweet and tasty, but had no spiritual nutrition.” William confessed that he learned the value of “…the connection of souls. Through this bond I would be fed and nurtured at the most important level of my existence, and I would do the same for my partner. A bond so powerful and intense would need exclusivity to foster its growth. That’s when I decided I needed to connect my life to another spirit. I didn’t need another fling…. I wanted to love a woman soul to soul.”[2]
Adults that show this kind of honor, and integrity for him or her self, make it easier for children and teens to believe adults when they quote Chris Griscom that ~
Sex within a committed, monogamous, healthy, loving relationship
allows us to transcend the body and connect with
something holy, cosmic, and heavenly in the beloved
and in the universe, and nourish our Spirit.
allows us to transcend the body and connect with
something holy, cosmic, and heavenly in the beloved
and in the universe, and nourish our Spirit.
SACRED ENERGYSexual energy is a sacred, and phenomenally powerful creative life-force that flows differently through each person, much like each person has his or her own unique set of finger prints. Ancient Spiritual Teachers, in various societies around the world, believed our sexual energy is not only centered in the pelvic/genital region, but is also situated in the heart and the brain, and, that there is synergy – interconnected forces that create unity of matter and spirit - between the sex/reproductive organs, the heart, the brain, and our Spirit. The general belief that sexual energy is located only in our genitals is based on science’s identification of our body’s gonads as the site of the production of our sex hormones.[3]
While our sexual energy is based in our genitals/gonads, it permeates throughout our entire body through the interconnected forces (synergy) of our mind-body cellular communication (vibrations). As Chris Griscom underscores, “The inner stream of sexual energy expands the sensations (vibrations) to the spiritual dimensions as well as the physical.” What impacts one, impacts all. For this reason, ancient sages also cautioned that, when we waste this powerful and sacred life force in casual, undisciplined, and unenlightened sexual activity, it constitutes over-stimulation and abuse, and the body soon loses its power. The body looses its power when our immune system is compromised. According to health professionals, sexual promiscuity can result in a lowered (compromised) immune system.
As practitioners of abstinence have demonstrated, instead of having more sex, fasting from sex during various times throughout life can be mentally and spiritually liberating, as well as physically empowering.
The unseen, interconnected forces between sex/heart/brain/Spirit are vibrations, and are what some scientists call “subtle energy fields.” The Law of Vibration says that every thing and every being in the universe are in a constant state of movement (vibrations); the only difference is the speeds/frequencies at which things and beings vibrate. A rock, tree, individual, animal, or a car, are forms of energy that appear solid (we can see them) because, say physicists, they vibrate at slow frequencies.[4] Other forms of energy such as heat, light and sound also vibrate, but at faster rate/higher frequencies than “solid” objects. The speed of vibration is so fast that these forms of energy are invisible. According to scientists, our brain perceives the world and registers it by means of invisible wave pulses/vibrations. Our cells and DNA also communicate by means of vibratory frequencies. So we see that vibration is the vehicle through which the mind and body communicate as a whole/holistically, which translates to another reason why sex is more complex than “just sex.”
Consciously, we don’t grasp the profound impact of interconnected forces because they communicate on such a fundamentally subtle and invisible level. The subtlety and invisibility of the forces make it difficult to know (see and feel) the right choices to make in many aspects of life. However, “There is a very interesting mechanism that the universe has to help you make spontaneously correct choices,” says scientist and philosopher Deepak Chopra, and author of THE SEVEN SPIRITUAL LAWS OF SUCCESS. “The mechanism has to do with sensations [emotions] in your body. Your body experiences two kinds of sensations: One is a sensation of comfort; the other is a sensation of discomfort. …. If your body sends a message of comfort, that’s the right choice. If your body sends a message of discomfort, then it’s not the appropriate choice.”[5] In her book, MOLECULES OF EMOTION, Dr. Candace Pert confirms that “The vehicle that the mind and body use to communicate with each other is the chemistry of emotion.”[6] Our emotions are the conscious indicators of the subtle impact of our sexual energy on our Spirit, and are evidence of the sexual energy/Heart/Spirit connection that we can feel.
Our emotions, however, can also send confusing messages, which is the case when teens grapple with whether to have sex. In this case, it’s wise to decide NOT to decide; to take time to think about consequences. Even with condoms, the female’s mouth in oral sex, and vagina in straight sex, are still exposed to STDs through contact with the male’s pubic hair, sweat, and, if the condom slips, breaks, or is put on incorrectly, semen. (See Discussion 1 - What You Have Ain’t no Snack!, and Discussion 5– Condoms, Two Edge Sword: Something is Better than Nothing, But….) This is the opportunity parents and responsible adults can use to provide girls with clarity, meaning and purpose regarding sexuality and their sacred space. Society and mass media bombard children and teens with “let’s get it on” messages, yet, rarely communicate emotional risks and consequences stemming from sexual encounters. (See the Introduction, “Media’s Sexualization of Children & Teens.”)
With little or no understanding of their sexual energy/Heart/Spirit connection, pre-teens, teens, and many adults fail to realize that, vibrationally, they give more of themselves than they think or consciously feel, when they have sex. We respond emotionally when we have sex, and our emotional (vibrations) response impacts our Spirit, even when we convince ourselves “It’s just sex.”
Regardless of how expertly we fool ourselves into thinking, “It’s just sex,” sex is emotional for boys and girls, but (and this seems sexist), especially for girls. Because, as one woman stated, females “take in” semen (bodily fluids/vibrations) from the male. Males “put out” semen/vibrations into the female. So, the reference to girls and women “puttin’ out,” is incorrect.
Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles should mentor and tell teen girls that they literally take in the semen/vibrations and all the emotions/vibrations attached to a sexual encounter, even if the encounter is perceived with indifference. If teenage girls and young adult women fully comprehend the powerlessness in “taking in” bodily fluids from various males who dump semen into their vagina/body during casual sex, they might recognize the sacredness of their treasure chest and not engage in casual sex so freely.
Evidence of the emotional impact on girls who have casual sex was revealed in Michelle Burford’s investigation on which she based her article, “Girls and Sex: You Won’t Believe What’s Going On.” Burford penned that, “Nearly every girl I interviewed insisted that her sexual forays were purely for gratification in the moment.” Each girl claimed that they “wanted no lasting connection, no long-term commitment – no mixing messy emotions.” However, as the interviews progressed, “One by one, the same girls who began the conversation with me by boasting of how many partners they had in a school year, ended with stories of longing, shame and loss…. One girl, who had bragged earlier, even said she wished she were still
a virgin.” [7]
A survey by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy found that two-thirds of teens that had sexual relations expressed regret at not having waited longer. A Heritage Foundation study in 2003 linked teens’ sexual intercourse with depression and suicide attempts.[8] The Foundation reported that about “…14% of girls who have had intercourse have attempted suicide, compared to 5% of sexually inactive girls. [About] 6% of sexually active boys have tried suicide, compared to less than 1% of sexually inactive boys.” This research followed the government-funded National Longitudinal Survey of Adolescent Health, which reported that, “…of the sexually active girls (of 6,500 middle and high school students), over 25 percent were often depressed, and slightly over 14 percent attempted suicide.” Conversely, “…only approximately 8 percent of virgins said they were depressed, and 5 percent attempted suicide.[9] According to a 2008 study by the Irish Crisis Pregnancy Agency on Sexual Health and Relationships, "Lower age of first sex is strongly associated with regret at the timing of first sex, among both men and women." Therefore, the researchers concluded: "We need to equip young people with the knowledge and skills they need to delay their first sexual experience."[10]
Therefore, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and responsible adults should mentor and help children and teens to understand why giving serious regard to the signals/sensations/emotions in their body. Emotions that tell them they are not ready to have sex.
Evidence of children’s emotions sending “I’m not ready for sex” signals is witnessed when we hear children say that kissing a boy or girl is “yukkie,” or observe children recoil and flee in embarrassment, or disgust when a relative or stranger approaches them inappropriately. Intuitively, on a Spirit level, children and teens know they are not emotionally, nor physically, ready to have sex. That’s why “Jordan,” in The Bernie Mac Show was repulsed (See Introduction) when his uncle gave him the details about what a male and female must do in order for a female to become pregnant. Jordan’s eleven-year-old body sent him a message through emotions (vibrations) of discomfort, signaling this was not a good choice.
While studies confirm that many children and teens are having sex, reports are conflicting. For example, recent studies from the CDC show that teenage sexual activity has increased and contraceptive use decreased, as reported by the magazine Medical News Today. On the other hand, United Press International (UPI) website’s headline reads: Teen Sex Reduced, Condom Use Increases. Somewhere in the middle, however, everyone agrees that a substantial number of teens and young adults still engage in risky sexual behavior, with the thought that, “It’s just sex.” Therefore, children, pre-teens and teens should be mentored and helped to understand that, whether we care to know, know, or feel it, we are – vibrationally - always connected to our Spirit. The sex/Spirit connection means that our Heart and Spirit also are impacted when we abuse our sexual energies. On a deeper level, humans know that the Sex/Heart/Spirit connection is real, and may be the reason that even the most casual sexual encounter is often referred to as “making love.”
ABSTINENCE /BRAHMACHARYA
In India, a Sanskrit word, Brahmacharya (bra-ma-cha-ya), means Abstinence or Celibacy.[11] The word embodies the qualities of discipline, attention and intention. “Attention and intention are two qualities that are inherent in our consciousness,” says Deepak Chopra. “Attention energies, and intention transforms.”[12]
Abstinence with attention and intention transforms into personal empowerment, and helps children and teen shift their perspective from one of “not gettin’ any” to raising their awareness vibrations and become self-empowered to resist peer pressure. Attention and intention causes an internal shift that becomes a life skill where children and teens are more in tune with their emotional and mental diet as it relates to sex, and embrace abstinence as freedom.
“I realized that a vow [of abstinence], far from closing the door to real freedom, opened it,” wrote Mahatma Gandhi in his book, AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY: The Story of My Experiments with Truth. The revered non-violent revolutionary, who led the defeat of Britain’s rule over India, began to practice brahmacharya “after he and Kasturba married and had four children.” He admitted that, for many years he struggled with celibacy, breaking his vow on several occasions. In his next period of abstinence, Gandhi was more focused and devoted the time and stored energy to humanitarian and spiritual pursuits. He confirmed that the benefits of brahmacharya far exceeded birth control, and that his “home life became more peaceful, sweet, and happy.” Gandhi is an example that instead of having more sex, fasting from sex during various times throughout life can be mentally and spiritually liberating, as well as physically empowering.
“What brahmacharya means is a deep clarity about sexual energy,” said Judith Hanson Lasater, Ph.D., a San Francisco physical therapist. “First and foremost, it means being aware of your own sexuality, and being clear about your feelings and needs at every moment.” Since children and teens, have no clarity about the flow, rhythm, and power of their personal sexual energy and its vibrational connection (synergy) to their Heart and Spirit, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and responsible adults should mentor and help them recognize that Abstinence is the ideal practice that helps gain clarity.
Clarity means what it implies - to be clear about our choices in all areas of our lives, especially sexual choices. Clarity and better choices comes when we actively listen to our body’s sensations/emotions. Clarity comes through Time, Awareness, and Patience (TAP). ~
v Time ~ Some people are instinctively aware; others have to evolve into awareness. Developing our awareness radar – and remaining consistent in it - takes time. A sculptor invests time in transforming a block of hard marble into a polished figure of a particular image. A graphic artist takes time to design a layout for a mural or advertisement. Awareness, for most people, requires patience and time.
v Awareness ~ Awareness empowers teens (as well as adults) to stand against peer pressure. This aspect of personal development comes when we consciously (with attention and intention) use time to evaluate our own behaviors and reactions to others; understand other people, consciously get in tune with our Spirit, the Creative Intelligence/God, as well as make a consciously connect with all life in the universe – above, below, around, inside and out; develop greater awareness of how the cosmos works; how we impact the world, and how the world impacts us.
v Patience ~ Patience demands perseverance through the time it takes to reach awareness and clarity, benefit from it, share it with others, and then move/vibrate to a wider and higher level of awareness.
The freeing and empowering force of TAP is a life skill young girls need to understand, preferably before their hormones begin to dance and lead them to their first partner in sex.
The freeing and empowering force of TAP is a life skill young girls need to understand, preferably before their hormones begin to dance and lead them to their first partner in sex. Time, Awareness, and Patience (TAP), within the context of consciously practicing Bramacharya, has brought about healing with regard to my personal relationships with men. My joy and love for men has increased. Along with not having to worry about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), my personal choice to abstain from sex has initiated freedom and nonattachment, in that I no longer dual with men, trying to get my needs met. I find that I enjoy their company on a simpler, less complicated level. In addition, my friendship with women has deepened as a consequence of being out of the game of competition, jealousy, and feeling insecure/threatened. Thus, a holistic sense of freedom.
Choosing abstinence to recover from the hurt of the breakup of a relationship can prove to be better for the Spirit than immediately jumping into bed with another partner. Instead of clearing our emotions concerning the person who is no longer in our lives, “gettin’ it on” with another individual can suppress hurt feelings (vibrations), which later may erupt into another form, possibly in an inner or outer destructive way. Therefore, the old cliché, “The way to get over a man is to get under one,” may not work. Girls and women may convince themselves that it works, like those who say “It’s just sex,” but on a subconscious and Spirit level, they know this is denial.
For children and teens Abstinence can serve as a mental and emotional emancipation (freedom) from the prison of fears such as: “Do I have a disease; am I pregnant; does he really love me,” etc.; competition to get a man, fear of living without a man, trying to “keep a man,” and depending on a man for financial and/or emotional stability.
The conscious (attention and intention) choice to abstain from sex for a time opens the way to connect to the higher and deeper dimension of our being, and brings greater value and enjoyment to the love experience when the time comes for a woman and a man to embrace with love.
Children and teens should be mentored and helped to understand that their teen years is the perfect time for them to comprehend the value of choosing abstinence and pay close attention to and manage the sexual “triggers” discussed in the Tell Teens/Tell Girls section of Discussion 1 - What You Have Ain’t No Snack.
As practitioners of abstinence have demonstrated, instead of having more sex, fasting from sex during various times throughout life can be mentally and spiritually liberating, as well as physically empowering.
The unseen, interconnected forces between sex/heart/brain/Spirit are vibrations, and are what some scientists call “subtle energy fields.” The Law of Vibration says that every thing and every being in the universe are in a constant state of movement (vibrations); the only difference is the speeds/frequencies at which things and beings vibrate. A rock, tree, individual, animal, or a car, are forms of energy that appear solid (we can see them) because, say physicists, they vibrate at slow frequencies.[4] Other forms of energy such as heat, light and sound also vibrate, but at faster rate/higher frequencies than “solid” objects. The speed of vibration is so fast that these forms of energy are invisible. According to scientists, our brain perceives the world and registers it by means of invisible wave pulses/vibrations. Our cells and DNA also communicate by means of vibratory frequencies. So we see that vibration is the vehicle through which the mind and body communicate as a whole/holistically, which translates to another reason why sex is more complex than “just sex.”
Consciously, we don’t grasp the profound impact of interconnected forces because they communicate on such a fundamentally subtle and invisible level. The subtlety and invisibility of the forces make it difficult to know (see and feel) the right choices to make in many aspects of life. However, “There is a very interesting mechanism that the universe has to help you make spontaneously correct choices,” says scientist and philosopher Deepak Chopra, and author of THE SEVEN SPIRITUAL LAWS OF SUCCESS. “The mechanism has to do with sensations [emotions] in your body. Your body experiences two kinds of sensations: One is a sensation of comfort; the other is a sensation of discomfort. …. If your body sends a message of comfort, that’s the right choice. If your body sends a message of discomfort, then it’s not the appropriate choice.”[5] In her book, MOLECULES OF EMOTION, Dr. Candace Pert confirms that “The vehicle that the mind and body use to communicate with each other is the chemistry of emotion.”[6] Our emotions are the conscious indicators of the subtle impact of our sexual energy on our Spirit, and are evidence of the sexual energy/Heart/Spirit connection that we can feel.
Our emotions, however, can also send confusing messages, which is the case when teens grapple with whether to have sex. In this case, it’s wise to decide NOT to decide; to take time to think about consequences. Even with condoms, the female’s mouth in oral sex, and vagina in straight sex, are still exposed to STDs through contact with the male’s pubic hair, sweat, and, if the condom slips, breaks, or is put on incorrectly, semen. (See Discussion 1 - What You Have Ain’t no Snack!, and Discussion 5– Condoms, Two Edge Sword: Something is Better than Nothing, But….) This is the opportunity parents and responsible adults can use to provide girls with clarity, meaning and purpose regarding sexuality and their sacred space. Society and mass media bombard children and teens with “let’s get it on” messages, yet, rarely communicate emotional risks and consequences stemming from sexual encounters. (See the Introduction, “Media’s Sexualization of Children & Teens.”)
With little or no understanding of their sexual energy/Heart/Spirit connection, pre-teens, teens, and many adults fail to realize that, vibrationally, they give more of themselves than they think or consciously feel, when they have sex. We respond emotionally when we have sex, and our emotional (vibrations) response impacts our Spirit, even when we convince ourselves “It’s just sex.”
Regardless of how expertly we fool ourselves into thinking, “It’s just sex,” sex is emotional for boys and girls, but (and this seems sexist), especially for girls. Because, as one woman stated, females “take in” semen (bodily fluids/vibrations) from the male. Males “put out” semen/vibrations into the female. So, the reference to girls and women “puttin’ out,” is incorrect.
Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles should mentor and tell teen girls that they literally take in the semen/vibrations and all the emotions/vibrations attached to a sexual encounter, even if the encounter is perceived with indifference. If teenage girls and young adult women fully comprehend the powerlessness in “taking in” bodily fluids from various males who dump semen into their vagina/body during casual sex, they might recognize the sacredness of their treasure chest and not engage in casual sex so freely.
Evidence of the emotional impact on girls who have casual sex was revealed in Michelle Burford’s investigation on which she based her article, “Girls and Sex: You Won’t Believe What’s Going On.” Burford penned that, “Nearly every girl I interviewed insisted that her sexual forays were purely for gratification in the moment.” Each girl claimed that they “wanted no lasting connection, no long-term commitment – no mixing messy emotions.” However, as the interviews progressed, “One by one, the same girls who began the conversation with me by boasting of how many partners they had in a school year, ended with stories of longing, shame and loss…. One girl, who had bragged earlier, even said she wished she were still
a virgin.” [7]
A survey by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy found that two-thirds of teens that had sexual relations expressed regret at not having waited longer. A Heritage Foundation study in 2003 linked teens’ sexual intercourse with depression and suicide attempts.[8] The Foundation reported that about “…14% of girls who have had intercourse have attempted suicide, compared to 5% of sexually inactive girls. [About] 6% of sexually active boys have tried suicide, compared to less than 1% of sexually inactive boys.” This research followed the government-funded National Longitudinal Survey of Adolescent Health, which reported that, “…of the sexually active girls (of 6,500 middle and high school students), over 25 percent were often depressed, and slightly over 14 percent attempted suicide.” Conversely, “…only approximately 8 percent of virgins said they were depressed, and 5 percent attempted suicide.[9] According to a 2008 study by the Irish Crisis Pregnancy Agency on Sexual Health and Relationships, "Lower age of first sex is strongly associated with regret at the timing of first sex, among both men and women." Therefore, the researchers concluded: "We need to equip young people with the knowledge and skills they need to delay their first sexual experience."[10]
Therefore, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and responsible adults should mentor and help children and teens to understand why giving serious regard to the signals/sensations/emotions in their body. Emotions that tell them they are not ready to have sex.
Evidence of children’s emotions sending “I’m not ready for sex” signals is witnessed when we hear children say that kissing a boy or girl is “yukkie,” or observe children recoil and flee in embarrassment, or disgust when a relative or stranger approaches them inappropriately. Intuitively, on a Spirit level, children and teens know they are not emotionally, nor physically, ready to have sex. That’s why “Jordan,” in The Bernie Mac Show was repulsed (See Introduction) when his uncle gave him the details about what a male and female must do in order for a female to become pregnant. Jordan’s eleven-year-old body sent him a message through emotions (vibrations) of discomfort, signaling this was not a good choice.
While studies confirm that many children and teens are having sex, reports are conflicting. For example, recent studies from the CDC show that teenage sexual activity has increased and contraceptive use decreased, as reported by the magazine Medical News Today. On the other hand, United Press International (UPI) website’s headline reads: Teen Sex Reduced, Condom Use Increases. Somewhere in the middle, however, everyone agrees that a substantial number of teens and young adults still engage in risky sexual behavior, with the thought that, “It’s just sex.” Therefore, children, pre-teens and teens should be mentored and helped to understand that, whether we care to know, know, or feel it, we are – vibrationally - always connected to our Spirit. The sex/Spirit connection means that our Heart and Spirit also are impacted when we abuse our sexual energies. On a deeper level, humans know that the Sex/Heart/Spirit connection is real, and may be the reason that even the most casual sexual encounter is often referred to as “making love.”
ABSTINENCE /BRAHMACHARYA
In India, a Sanskrit word, Brahmacharya (bra-ma-cha-ya), means Abstinence or Celibacy.[11] The word embodies the qualities of discipline, attention and intention. “Attention and intention are two qualities that are inherent in our consciousness,” says Deepak Chopra. “Attention energies, and intention transforms.”[12]
Abstinence with attention and intention transforms into personal empowerment, and helps children and teen shift their perspective from one of “not gettin’ any” to raising their awareness vibrations and become self-empowered to resist peer pressure. Attention and intention causes an internal shift that becomes a life skill where children and teens are more in tune with their emotional and mental diet as it relates to sex, and embrace abstinence as freedom.
“I realized that a vow [of abstinence], far from closing the door to real freedom, opened it,” wrote Mahatma Gandhi in his book, AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY: The Story of My Experiments with Truth. The revered non-violent revolutionary, who led the defeat of Britain’s rule over India, began to practice brahmacharya “after he and Kasturba married and had four children.” He admitted that, for many years he struggled with celibacy, breaking his vow on several occasions. In his next period of abstinence, Gandhi was more focused and devoted the time and stored energy to humanitarian and spiritual pursuits. He confirmed that the benefits of brahmacharya far exceeded birth control, and that his “home life became more peaceful, sweet, and happy.” Gandhi is an example that instead of having more sex, fasting from sex during various times throughout life can be mentally and spiritually liberating, as well as physically empowering.
“What brahmacharya means is a deep clarity about sexual energy,” said Judith Hanson Lasater, Ph.D., a San Francisco physical therapist. “First and foremost, it means being aware of your own sexuality, and being clear about your feelings and needs at every moment.” Since children and teens, have no clarity about the flow, rhythm, and power of their personal sexual energy and its vibrational connection (synergy) to their Heart and Spirit, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and responsible adults should mentor and help them recognize that Abstinence is the ideal practice that helps gain clarity.
Clarity means what it implies - to be clear about our choices in all areas of our lives, especially sexual choices. Clarity and better choices comes when we actively listen to our body’s sensations/emotions. Clarity comes through Time, Awareness, and Patience (TAP). ~
v Time ~ Some people are instinctively aware; others have to evolve into awareness. Developing our awareness radar – and remaining consistent in it - takes time. A sculptor invests time in transforming a block of hard marble into a polished figure of a particular image. A graphic artist takes time to design a layout for a mural or advertisement. Awareness, for most people, requires patience and time.
v Awareness ~ Awareness empowers teens (as well as adults) to stand against peer pressure. This aspect of personal development comes when we consciously (with attention and intention) use time to evaluate our own behaviors and reactions to others; understand other people, consciously get in tune with our Spirit, the Creative Intelligence/God, as well as make a consciously connect with all life in the universe – above, below, around, inside and out; develop greater awareness of how the cosmos works; how we impact the world, and how the world impacts us.
v Patience ~ Patience demands perseverance through the time it takes to reach awareness and clarity, benefit from it, share it with others, and then move/vibrate to a wider and higher level of awareness.
The freeing and empowering force of TAP is a life skill young girls need to understand, preferably before their hormones begin to dance and lead them to their first partner in sex.
The freeing and empowering force of TAP is a life skill young girls need to understand, preferably before their hormones begin to dance and lead them to their first partner in sex. Time, Awareness, and Patience (TAP), within the context of consciously practicing Bramacharya, has brought about healing with regard to my personal relationships with men. My joy and love for men has increased. Along with not having to worry about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), my personal choice to abstain from sex has initiated freedom and nonattachment, in that I no longer dual with men, trying to get my needs met. I find that I enjoy their company on a simpler, less complicated level. In addition, my friendship with women has deepened as a consequence of being out of the game of competition, jealousy, and feeling insecure/threatened. Thus, a holistic sense of freedom.
Choosing abstinence to recover from the hurt of the breakup of a relationship can prove to be better for the Spirit than immediately jumping into bed with another partner. Instead of clearing our emotions concerning the person who is no longer in our lives, “gettin’ it on” with another individual can suppress hurt feelings (vibrations), which later may erupt into another form, possibly in an inner or outer destructive way. Therefore, the old cliché, “The way to get over a man is to get under one,” may not work. Girls and women may convince themselves that it works, like those who say “It’s just sex,” but on a subconscious and Spirit level, they know this is denial.
For children and teens Abstinence can serve as a mental and emotional emancipation (freedom) from the prison of fears such as: “Do I have a disease; am I pregnant; does he really love me,” etc.; competition to get a man, fear of living without a man, trying to “keep a man,” and depending on a man for financial and/or emotional stability.
The conscious (attention and intention) choice to abstain from sex for a time opens the way to connect to the higher and deeper dimension of our being, and brings greater value and enjoyment to the love experience when the time comes for a woman and a man to embrace with love.
Children and teens should be mentored and helped to understand that their teen years is the perfect time for them to comprehend the value of choosing abstinence and pay close attention to and manage the sexual “triggers” discussed in the Tell Teens/Tell Girls section of Discussion 1 - What You Have Ain’t No Snack.
THE COURAGE TO BE ABSTINENTAbstinence, or not “getting’ it on” takes tremendous courage, especially for teenagers who are pressured by peers, and are over stimulated and manipulated with sexual images and messages by popular mass media, the streets, and, in some cases, in homes. These dynamics can have a profound influence on whether teens have the courage to “stand for something,” such as choosing abstinence, and nourishing their personal essence, or “fall for anything.”
Erika Harold, the former Ms. America (2003) had the courage to stand for something. She won the coveted crown based on a platform of abstinence, and talks to teens nationally about its benefits. Another beauty queen, Latika Garth, the former Miss Black California (1995), in her story, NOT UNTIL MY WEDDING NIGHT: A Former Beauty Queen Makes the Case for Sexual Abstinence, said that “The reality is that most of us are not getting the intimacy we need, so we’re going out there and having sex to find it…. I’ve trained myself to think differently.” [13] Ms. Garth understood that sex was not created to fill egotistical voids. “It was created,” says Sherille R. Warren, author of INSIDE ME: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption, “to celebrate a love that’s already present.”
Parents and responsible adults should mentor and help children and teens learn to “train” themselves to “think differently.” To think differently children and teens should be mentored to understand that it is healthy to be abstinent and to take the time to do inner work, and that the teenage phase of life - despite the raging hormones and the developing teen brain that craves freedom, risk, and excitement; despite the world telling them to “get it on” - is a rare window in time to focus on that inner work, which includes nurturing their personal essence/Spirit, creative work, intellectual work, and healing work.
QUIET TIMEDoing the extremely important inner work requires that we turn off all the sexual noise and allow our minds and bodies to be quiet. In the noise of thinking about sex, hearing about sex, looking for sex, and having lots of casual sex, we become obscure to knowing the healthy alternatives to our ego-driven desires. All this “sexual noise” is the reason STDs are transmitted around the world so freely and rapidly.
Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and responsible adults should emphasize that by doing the inner work, as did William July, men and women can encompass “the whole of conscious experience,” and “touch something so profound” that the ego is relinquished to our “higher consciousness.”
“When we take the time to be quiet, we can hear what our souls are searching for. We can have meaningful conversations with God. Thereby, we make the choices for ourselves that…feel right in our hearts and spirits,” Corynne Corbelt wrote in “Proving Ground.”[14] Giving away or throwing away sexual energy in casual, undisciplined, and unenlightened sexual exploits cloud clarity of our personal essence and diminish the power of our sexual energy. In the quiet of abstinence, we ~
Ø get in tune with how their personal sexual energy flows.
Ø give our automatic inner “yes/no” switch, which catalogs people we see as sexually desirable or undesirable, a time out;
Ø tune into the deeper parts of the self that is often hidden or silenced by the call of our desires and impulses, which, like the media, are usually so loud, constant and insistent, they drown out warning signals from our Spirit;
Ø gently train our mind to not be driven by our biological nature; a training that results in freedom.
Taking time out to be quiet is difficult for many teens, especially for those raised in the cacophony of noise with new technology and in fast pace of urban cities. Keeping the brain and body quiet long enough to gain access to the uniqueness of their personal sexual energy, and personal essence, for most teens, is a major challenge. We live in a world of non-stop chatter – loud chatter - on cell phones, and teens especially are in Internet chat rooms, exchanging emails, blogging, playing video games, downloading and listening to music at a high volume, (such as hip hop, hard rock or heavy metal) on Ipods, Blackberries, and/or hanging out at noisy malls with friends. So, silence? “Why do we need to be quiet?” one group of youth asked me. Children and teens should be helped to understand that there is value in silence, with intent. Quiet time, like sleep, replenishes the body’s energy, and helps boost our immune system. Meditation, for example, is silence with intent; with purpose. Through meditation, children and teens learn the value of silence.
Adults can also practice brahmacharya. Adults that practice abstinence lead by example, and have a positive affect on children and teens. Single mothers and fathers, in particular, can tell their teens that honoring her or his own body and personal Essence/Spirit is the reason he or she chose abstinence. At any age, it is useful to take a sexual “time out” and observe the fierce grip that sexual thoughts, words, actions, images, and music have on our conscious and subconscious.
v Acknowledge our spiritual connection to our needs for intimacy.
v Honor our sexual energy/Heart/Spirit connection.
If parents don’t send this message in the home, children and teens certainly won’t get help from mass media. However, parents can develop their own abilities to mentor their children and teens by using information in the books listed in the Resource section of KEEPERS OF HEAVEN, and by reading helpful information on websites such as www.4parents.gov.
ABSTINENCE & GOOD HEALTH
Through conscious (attention and intention) application, “The sexual-physical body can be transformed into a higher octave energy body that nourishes the entire multidimensional being. The sexual energy can be awakened from its base in the genitals [gonads], fed by the endocrine glands and released throughout the entire body to create an infinite helix of ageless energy,” Chris Griscom says. Praising its health transforming powers, India’s spiritual leaders advocate brahmacharya “as a way to transform our most primitive instinctual energies into a deeper, brighter vitality that promises good health, great courage, incredible stamina, and a very long life.”
When we direct our sexual energy to areas in our body that need healing, we put that energy to purposeful and enlightened use, so that “That same orgasmic rush that flushes precious energy from the body [is] orchestrated and turned upward to vitalize our entire being. As Gandhi proved, sexual energy “…can also be transformed into creative feats and great powers of knowing or healing.”
There are reports, for example, that, for some infertile couples (where there is no identifiable medical cause), abstinence has resulted in conception. Other reports say that, in times of discord, a mutual and loving agreement to practice brahmacharya may help couples gain greater clarity about the cause of the conflict. One woman confided to me that she and her husband argued most often after they had had sex, which she brought to his attention. He disagreed. But, along with counseling, and as they evaluated critical issues in their relationship, they considered abstinence as an additional option. While practicing brahmacharya, they become aware of their energy exchange (vibrations) on subtle levels, including on the soul level. Their exercise in Time, Awareness, and Patience (TAP), resulted in “brighter vitality” for each person, and a profoundly stronger and richer relationship that transcended the ego and physical, to the Spiritual. As Gandhi confirmed, “[my] home life became more peaceful, sweet, and happy.” There may be a lot to be said for the timeless proverb: “Absence (as in abstinence) makes the heart grow fonder.”
Parents and responsible adults should also mentor and Tell Teens that, Abstinence ~
Ø activates the power to transmute sexual energy into good health and a nourished Spirit;
Ø helps detoxify the body. Detoxification leads to a stronger immune system and spiritual healing;
Ø allows the mind and body to use hormones and its electromagnetic energy system differently, in that we change the lower vibration of casual, undisciplined and unenlightened sex to a higher frequency of love and well being.
Personally, I’ve learned that, rather than dissipating my sexual energy in meaningless casual sex, I can redirect the energy to areas in my body that need strengthening. For example, I have sent the energy to my eyes to help improve my vision. It works because, as Griscom says, “Since sexual energy is a ‘raw’ energy, that can be focused on almost any level. For example, if a person suffers from fatigue, mental confusion or even chronic sore throats, the sexual energy is powerful enough to strengthen every aspect of the being. It is really the handmaiden of the divine soul because it is the vehicle that transports soul into body.”
[1] Globalized, Wired, Sex Trafficking In Women And Children, by Vanessa von Struensee, JD, MPH. Vol. 7, No. 2. June 2000. Murdoch University Electronic Journal of Law.
[2] “Brothers” column. Essence Magazine. October 2004.
[3] Science has determined this based on the fact that sex hormones are produced in our gonads. The gonad is [a part of the genitals] the organ that makes gametes. The gonads in males are the testes and the gonads in females are the ovaries. The product, gametes, are haploid germ cells. For example, spermatozoon and egg cells are gametes. Although medically the gonad term can refer to either male gonads (testicles) or female gonads (ovaries), the slang use of "gonads" (or "nads") usually only refers to the testicles. Source: www.wikipedia.org.
[4] Source: www.wikipedia.org.
[5] Source: THE SEVEN SPIRITUAL LAWS OF SUCCESS: A Practical Guide to the Fulfillment of Your Dreams, by Deepak Chopra
[6] MOLECULES OF EMOTION, by Candace Pert, Ph.D, neuroscientist and pharmacologist.
[7] O Magazine. November 2002.
[8] “Study Links Depression, Suicide Rates To Teen Sex,” by Karen S. Peterson. USA Today, Health and Behavior. June 3, 2003
[9] In 1996, The National Longitudinal Survey of Adolescent Health study also revealed that, “Of the sexually active boys, over 8 percent were depressed, and 6 percent attempted suicide, compared to 3.4 percent of virgin boys who were depressed and 0.7 percent attempted suicide.” [10] The Irish Study of Sexual Health and Relationships. Published by the Department of Health and the Crisis Pregnancy Agency (CPA). April 2008.
[11]Definition of Sanskrit: “The classical East Indian, literary language as cultivated from the 4th Century BC.” Webster’s New World Dictionary. Second College Edition.
[12] THE SEVEN SPIRITUAL LAWS OF SUCCESS, by Deepak Chopra. 1994.
[13] Essence Magazine. December 2003
[14] Essence Magazine. September 2003
KEEPERS OF HEAVEN®
STRAIGHT TALK TO GIRLS ABOUT SEX
TABLE OF CONTENTS
STRAIGHT TALK TO GIRLS ABOUT SEX
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PURPOSE………………………………………………………………...
My Personal Coming-of-Age Experience
How Parents Benefit
INTRODUCTION..…………………………………………….……….
Facts & Challenges
Girls & Early Puberty
The “Y-o-u” Equation
Mass Media’s Sexualization of Children & Teens
DISCUSSION 1. WHAT YOU HAVE AIN’T NO SNACK!
A common sense discussion with young girls about oral sex, condoms, STIs/STDs and misinformation about “safe sex” ………..……………………..….….
DISCUSSION 2. LET’S GET IT ON: ”It’s just sex!” Or is it?
The Spirit Connection…………………...……….…..
Abstinence/Brahmacharya
The Courage to Be Abstinent
Abstinence & Good Health
DISCUSSION 3. THE HORMONAL DANCE! WHO RULES?
Girl EmPowerment…………………………………………………..…..
Great Expectations: Teens’ fascination, expectation, even desperation with
“how sex feels”………………………………………….…
DISCUSSION 4. MOTHER’S BODY/DAUGHTER’S BODY ~ INTIMATE MATTERS.
Do You Know The Difference from Your Vulva and a Volvo....…….
DISCUSSION 5. KEEPIN’ IT REAL
Help children and teens learn to manage their sexual energy, and transfer their thoughts about sex into constructive and creative endeavors.…………..……..
When Is The Best Time To Keep It Real About Sex..........
Condoms – Two Edge Sword: Something is Better Than Nothing, But…
DISCUSSION 6. WALKING THROUGH THE VALLEY OF ADOLESCENCE: The Teen Brain – The Thrill of the Risk
The science behind why teens make unsound decisions; take risks…………..…….
DISCUSSION 7. TEENS & HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM………...
DISCUSSION 8. WORDS: THEY DO HURTWords carry energy/vibrations, and profane words about sex carry negative/destructive energy, sending messages void of heart, love and Spirit........................
The science behind why teens make unsound decisions; take risks…………..…….
DISCUSSION 7. TEENS & HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM………...
DISCUSSION 8. WORDS: THEY DO HURTWords carry energy/vibrations, and profane words about sex carry negative/destructive energy, sending messages void of heart, love and Spirit........................
DISCUSSION 9. MASS MEDIA: Delivering Unhealthy Sexual Messages.
Media’s impact on children and teens risky sexual behavior………...…
DISCUSSION 10. MASS MEDIA: Branding & Neuromarketing – The Not so New, New Science. In the search for new ways to manipulate children and teens’ buying habits…………………………………………………………....
DISCUSSION 11. UNDER ADULT SUPERVISION
Should adults who complain about the “horrible state of our youth” take a look at the man and the woman in the mirror?.…………………….…..………..
DISCUSSION 12. MEN and BRAHMACHARYAAbstinence and peer pressure; male ego….……………………..…….….
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